5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
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Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
This is not me but this is me
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Facebook marketplace is a different world
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
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According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.