A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
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Cobra: the what
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why no one uses midhusbands
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Animal poetry
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
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I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
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And so so dumb.
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