Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
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I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn