My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
You Might Also Like
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.