No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
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As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.