ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
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Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
went fishing caught a bass
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.