[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
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*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
When they try to steal your moment.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess