Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
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I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
this could fix me
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse