“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
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“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on