True statement👍😏😁
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Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.