I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
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Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.