I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
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”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Body by cheese-puffs.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza