The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
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Okay, I’m still confused…
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Just a reminder, folks: