A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
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God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I unironically love this joke.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
lmao
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.