And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
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[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
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One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline