I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
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ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up