My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
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i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶