Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
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Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes