My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
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“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping