She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
You Might Also Like
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Bit chilly again tonight.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes