What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
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Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool