I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
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Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!