*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
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marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”