My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
You Might Also Like
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
LMAO
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!