This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
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getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.