Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
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Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Sooo many times…..
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does