Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
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Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Remember folks 😂
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*