Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
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When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE