“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Good point.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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