Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
You Might Also Like
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
marvel comics have peaked
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen