Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
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Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I love art.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Breaking news:
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me