If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
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[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.