So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
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life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
This is enough internet for the day.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.