[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
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[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.