Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
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Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
🖤✌🏽
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
“What movie?” 🤔
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school