me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
You Might Also Like
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I’m not proud
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Perfect.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.