” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
You Might Also Like
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Ron is short for Aaronald
lol
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing