The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
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*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
The answer is funnier than the question
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
beware of dog
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Saw online –