Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!