Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
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[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live