During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
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Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.