It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Ladies, why y’all do this?
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!