Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Phones down.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.