We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
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Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
This probably isn’t good
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.