Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
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According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Just this preview of the story is enough
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye