*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
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The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
FRED: right
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Day 2 of my diet
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
*Inspirational Tweets*
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis