My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
You Might Also Like
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.