Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
You Might Also Like
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
best review i’ve ever seen
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life