Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
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[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Well, this explains it:
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.