WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
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Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker